Things I Must Remember As A Dog
(In order to keep my present living arrangements)
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind
the sofa or under the bed
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering
I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it
or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces
of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in
the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they
are not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the
red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time
I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my mom's thong underwear and dance
all over the backyard with them.
The sofa is not a face towel.
Neither are mom & dad's
laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches
in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet.
I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the
bathroom garbage; I do not want a string hanging out
of my butt.
I will not roll around in the dirt right after just
getting a bath.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable
way of saying hello.
I will not hump on any person's leg just because I
thought they needed a good hump.
I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping
on the pillow next to their head.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag
my butt across the carpet.
The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply
and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean
it is cleaner.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and
lick my crotch when company is over.
I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling
my butt can quickly clear a room.
The cat is not a squeaky toy
so when I play with hmi and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.