Dog Dictionary
BATH: This is a process
by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.
You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled
exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat.
To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards;
the person then swerves and falls into the bushes and you
prance away.
BUMP: The best way to
get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh
cup of tea or coffee.
DEAFNESS: This is a
malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in
and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or
lying down.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean
surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or
the newly upholstered sofa in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do
when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly
you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Garbage Can: A container
your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity. Stand
on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If
you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to
shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and
sometimes even an old Nike.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver
to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get
the attention you require....especially effective when combined
with The Sniff.
LEAN: Every good dog's
response to the command "sit!", especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap that
attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner
where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are
waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes
home from work. This immediately makes your owner feel guilty
and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.
LOVE: Is a feeling of
intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
RUBBISH BIN: A container
that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity.
You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid
off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded
with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.
SNIFF: A social custom
to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close
as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like
napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run
up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal
that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly
calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them
of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is
a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old sweet wrappers.
When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers
all over the house until your person comes home. This is
particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner
and you prance around with the contents of that very special
bathroom wastepaper basket!
