The Rules
Dear
Dogs and Cats,
The dishes
with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway
was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy
anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last
time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn
the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull
the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine
or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper
order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you,
my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
Rules for Non-Pet
Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live
here. You don't.
2. If you don't
want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my
pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you,
it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly. Dogs and cats are sometimes better than kids ..they
eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't
hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for
college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
