The Dog Rules
1. Dogs
are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside
in a specially built wooden compartment named, for a very
good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay,
the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or
if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay,
the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided
his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog
owner.
4. Indise
the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined
to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay,
the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the yard
sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The
dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay,
the dog can get up on the old furniture but not on the new.
8. Okay,
the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like
the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and
buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely
not be allowed on.
9. The
dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay,
the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
12. Okay,
the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head
on your pillow.
13. Okay,
the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his
head on your pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave
the room.
14. Okay,
the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your
bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the
TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The
dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident," even if it's true.
