Dogs' Letters to God
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear Dog,
That was my intention. If they did smell one another, all
human families would have a litter of 12 to 18 kids.
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it
the same old story?
Dear Dog,
No dear friend. Feel free to eat the couch.
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar,
the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the
rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see
a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know
every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy
to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear Dog,
You've never heard of Greyhound Bus, or seen the hood ornament
of a Mack truck?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear Dog,
No. It is the human who is bad for not coming to see why
it is you are barking.
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear Dog,
No, that is a rumor the cats started. The tables have 3
inch legs.
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear Dog,
It depends on how you treat your dog.
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear Dog,
Would you like some Italians with that?
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands
to get in?
Dear Dog,
Yes. (But don't tell the humans - it's the secret way in.)
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
understand?
Dear Dog,
Hmmm...not much.
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have
been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but
all I ever hear back is the schnauzer across the street!
Dear Dog,
I have given every populated world its own dog equivalent.
The lead species of each needs your love and devotion.
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
Dear Dog,
No. Humans have their sports, mailmen are yours.
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because
we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the
carpets thing again?
Dear Dog,
No. It's just because not all of you dogs live in Great
Britain.
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
Dear Dog,
Yes. I often wonder if I shouldn't have left them off most
humans.
