Things I Must Remember As
A Dog
(In order to keep my
present living arrangements)
The garbage collector is not
stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind
the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed
I must shake the rainwater
out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food,
before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find
the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when
I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the
car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers"
in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are
not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex
or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after
processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie
jar.
I will not chew my humans'
toothbrushes and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or
pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think
I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not
insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining
outside.
We do not have a doorbell.
I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my mom's thong
underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
The sofa is not a face towel.
Neither are mom & dad's
laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's
hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car
registration.
I will not play tug-of-war
with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I will not eat mint-flavored
dental floss out of the bathroom garbage; I do not want
a string hanging out of my butt.
I will not roll around in the
dirt right after just getting a bath.
Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
I will not hump on any person's
leg just because I thought they needed a good hump.
I will not fart in my owners'
faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
I will not come in from outside
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
The toilet bowl is not a never
ending water supply and, just because the water is blue,
it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
I will not sit in the middle
of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
I will remember that suddenly
turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a
room.
The cat is not a squeaky toy
so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually
not a good thing. .
